LET’S forget the ruse of an occasional headache to get you out of the clutches of your loved one when sex seems inevitable. Instead, we will ask the explosive question: Why are you trying to avoid sex?! “In the last few weeks”, confessed Shade, 35, and a seemingly happily married mother of two, “I’ve had five headaches, malaria and a non-existing period. I suppose I’ll have to grin and bear it the next time my husband asks for sex – I’ve run out of excuses!”
Judging by a lot of interest sex keeps on generating, how it puts a kick in your step, improves your general well-being by making you walk on air, one would think the average person would be at it the slightest opportunity they have. That is not the case unfortunately. Shade agreed that, “We can talk about sex to our friends, read books about different sexual positions, watch a bit of porn even and tell our husbands, boyfriends or partners how to satisfy us.
But all that is not enough. I used to enjoy making love with my husband but I don’t need it in the same way that he does. If we don’t have sex for a while, I notice him acting very coldly towards me and he becomes tetchy and irritable. He’s successfully made sex into a chore. Some controlling men consider it their right to demand sex as and when they want it. Over the years, a lot of old fashioned mothers had drummed it into their grown up children that they should never ‘deny’ husbands their conjugal rights.
It makes me shiver to subject myself to sex I won ‘t enjoy. As a result, I love him but find him very boring and I don’t see why I should spend what might be my last decade of good health virtually celibate.
“It got to a point where having sex with my husband made my skin crawl. Some months back, I was in the group of some men in their early 50s and ended up accepting to have a ‘pepper soup’ date with one of them. The soup was tasty and he was even dishier than I thought and younger. We ended up in a motel and it was obvious he did this from time to time.’
The sex was fantastic and a way of expressing the feelings I’d suppressed over the years. We’ve had more outings and apart from the great sex, we’ve had joy, pleasure and laughter. Young women today are very lucky to be taught that sex can be a pleasure – not a chore. I believe that as long as you and your partner are open and honest with each other, sex should never become a chore, whether it’s every night, twice a week or once
a month. Why should I miss out just because my husband isn’t interested in making love? Sexual liberation isn’t only for the young you know? I just feel sad that I wasted all my long lives having unfulfilling sex”.
“Sex can be and should be enjoyed and it’s meant to be a way of showing your love. Unfortunately the meaning has gone out of the word and it has been brought down to a degrading level,” observed Danielle, a psychologist. Morals and values have gone. Women no longer have pride in their bodies. I applaud the days when it was frowned upon to have a child out of wedlock and would love to see those values returned.
Another reason sex usually takes a back seat is when you have young family. It could be really exhausting. You hardly have the energy to put your nightie on, let alone take them off again!
“A friend told me that after her third child was born, she found it hard to lose her baby weight. She felt fat, ugly and tired and the last thing on her mind was sex. Her husband couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to have sex. She explained that it was nothing to do with him, that she still enjoyed sex, but she didn’t have the energy for it for now.
He took it personally and they ended up barely speaking. I had to offer to take the children off her for a weekend so that she could spend some time with her husband. Things improved a great deal after that and now they have a reliable house-help, life couldn’t be better.’
Alan blames the death of sex in the marital bed to some wives’ sarcastic remarks, “My wife’s constantly throwing past mistakes in my face”, 11 he said, “She’d suspected me of having affairs and had caught me with my hand virtually in the cooky jar a third time, but those affairs meant nothing. If I initiate sex, and she’s not in the mood, she’ll reel off names of my supposed exes I could have sex with.
A few weeks ago, I felt real pain in my two knees and complained to her. Instead of her being sympathetic, she sneered I shouldn’t do so much kneeling to give my trollops blow jabs! I tell you, with that kind of vitriolic remarks sex will be the last thing on your mind. Some of my friends have really nasty wives who use sex as bargaining chips.
We were at the club the other night when a friend told us he was feeling homy and rearing to go, when at the verge of penetration, his wife closed her thighs. “You’ve not given me that cheque you promised”, she accused him. He had to promise to cough up immediately the show was over.
“Sex, especially the marital one, could have lost its spontaneity because of the emotional baggage couples bring into the bedroom. A lot of couples need to retrace their steps and bring back the romance into their relationship. If they have to work hard towards that, so be it. The end result would definitely justify the effort!”
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Originally posted by Adeshola